where am I now & where am i going?

Springtime 2010... first quarter of the year has just gone by and i wonder if I have done anything significant for me or my 3 children yet....



Springtime....the air is filled with new life beginning, winter is over & yet why do i feel this way? Why do i feel so lost ...with no direction at all? I know i have my 3 children to keep me focused & occupied & i cherish every moment spent with them , looking after them, discovering new things with them....motherhood is a totally wonderful blessing and experience, but why is it that i still feel this void inside me?



Okay, let me try & psycho analyse myself....which maybe a whole lot of rubbish, but i'm just trying to make sense of the little feeling of emptiness that is here somewhere inside of me inspite of the fact that i should be fulfilled & happy because i have been gifted with 3 wonderful boys who fill my life with a lot of laughter & frustration as well at times....i know i should be proud of myself for having managed to raise all my 3 boys on my own with no support from their father..



Is it maybe because at this stage in my life, i am starting to feel the need to belong to someone again? of wanting to be in a relationship once again? and is it because i feel this way & yet i know how difficult it is at the moment to have a relationship with another man because i feel that i need to concentrate & focus my attention on my 3 very young children? maybe this is the reason why i feel the way i do...i don't know....



Or maybe, the main reason is because i have met a man....a very wonderful man, a man who i can talk endlessly to, who makes me laugh & makes me feel relaxed & accepted & wanted after a very long time....is it maybe because i want something more than friendship from this man but it is not possible because he is after all a married man???? Typical isn't it how life can be such a bitch...3 years i have been happily single then i meet someone who makes me feel this way & he's married!!!!



He's such a wonderful man though...we have so many things in common, we can talk of anything or everything under the sun...we laugh a lot over the silliest things...i like him a lot & the more i see him & talk to him the more my feelings for him grow....BUT...



I dare not let it show, because i don't want to push him away & lose what little bit of happiness i have at the moment....the thing is sometimes i think he must like me quite a lot too....we talk everyday, he texts me morning, noon & night, we see each other regularly, we e-mail everyday but he says that i'm his friend & rightly so i suppose as he has got a wife....



I am a total bundle of confusion at the moment & i need to sort my thoughts & feelings out...i know what everyone else would say....& that is "get a life you silly old cow"...maybe i should....but i do have a life, & my life at the moment is being a single mum to 3 young boys....and in the middle of this I met this wonderful man, who makes me feel the way i do now after 3 long years & he doesn't even have a bloody clue.....where am i going????? someone tell me please....